A year ago today I was on a plane to Germany, and nervous and excited about the 13 month adventure I had ahead of me... and in 3 weeks I will be on my way back home again. I've learned so much, and most of it has nothing to do with school or German...
I've changed so much this year. I've adapted to living in a foreign country, which is not an easy task. I had to get used to the Austrian accent (they don't speak the standard German I learned in school), get used to my university classes and find a way to meet people outside of my American University program.
I learned how to confront people if they have done me wrong. I've learned how to be a mediator and try to help others that are having an argument. I've also learned to deal with my own problems. Sometimes it's useful to ask for help, but this year I have learned to deal with most issues on my own.
I used to feel guilty about things I had done or mistakes that I had made. And all of the clumsy things I do: I feel like with every family I visit, I have to break something in their house to make my mark. But I get through it: I bought one family a new set of wine glasses after breaking one of theirs, for example. If something bigger happens, I own up to it and ask the family what they want me to do. I'm really not a walking disaster, I'm just emotional and care more about disturbing anything in someone else's home than most people do. (I guess a lot of people would pretend it wasn't them)...
I've learned to stick up for myself among my peers, something that has been so difficult for me to do in the past. I've yelled at people in my program for accusing me of things I didn't do, or asked the people sleeping in the youth hostel next door to be quiet. I've learned that fighting can be productive-it's better than keeping things all bottled up inside. It's good to express what's bothering you!
I've learned how to make my own decisions. I used to feel that I should do what others wanted me to do-especially if those other people were family or good friends. Often times, when things didn't going the way I had planned, I would blame the people who pointed me in that direction for "forcing" me to make that particular decision. Now I make my own decisions and own up to my mistakes.
I've learned to accept compliments, something that has always been hard for me to do in the past. I just smile and thank the person who has complimented me, rather than putting myself down by saying, "oh I think this shirt makes me look fat, actually," or "my German is actually pretty awful, but thanks anyway. Having difficult accepting compliments also has to do with low self-esteem, and I wanted to stop putting myself down!
I'm getting better at dealing with change, BUT I STILL DONT KNOW HOW....
...to say goodbye. I hate it. People don't really understand how this affects me. Today, spending what will be my last day in a while with a German family that I am close to, I could barely eat anything. That is one of my coping mechanisms when something is going to happen that I don't like: my body shuts down and even chocolate sounds repulsive to me (those of you that know me know how much I love chocolate). Some of you may think that's a great thing to have, but believe me, it's painful. I feel sick and it takes a few weeks for my body to get on a regular eating schedule again.
I sometimes wonder if I'm doing myself any favors by always befriending foreigners, people that I only see sporadically. But I wouldn't give them up for anything in the world. They provide me with a different perspective on life than I would have if I limited myself to my own culture.
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So there you have it. I have learned so much this year and have really "improved" myself, but there is still one thing I'll never be able to deal with well: saying goodbye to the people that I love.
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